“You look so slim!”
“We live deep inside a culture that is always yelling at us to diet. That assumes we all, every single one of us, want to be thinner.” – Kate from Eat the Damn Cake, this blog post.
A few days ago, one of my students told me that I “looked so slim!”. Twice. I was wearing a second hand dress that I picked up for 50,- NOK (about $8) – it’s blue with a white pattern, a pleated skirt, fitted waist and 3/4 sleeves. I know it makes me look good, because the shape is just right and the colours are good and it is snug in all the right places. When I put it on in the shop, I thought almost the same thing my student told me: “hey, you look great!”. But, to me, great and slim aren’t synonyms.
If you’ll allow me to feel proud of myself for a moment, I think it’s quite a feat to have reached that conclusion. Like Kate so brilliantly puts it, the world really does seem to assume that everybody wants to be thinner. Thinner, even, meaning there is no such thing as “thin enough”. And yet I am able to disagree. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never really been thin, so at least there’s no pressure of getting back to a body shape or size I used to have. Perhaps it’s because I’ve discovered a way to dress that makes me feel good about my appearance, no matter its size. Perhaps it’s because I used to think badly about my body for a long time, then got so completely fed up with the whole idea that I decided to thoroughly banish it from my life once and for all.
I still worry a lot about how other people think, though. Not how they think about me, that is – it worries me how most people seem to think it’s perfectly okay, even almost a requirement, for them to have an opinion on someone elses body. Or how so very often someone’ll say “you look so slim!”, when they really mean “you look so good!”. It all seems to me so fundamentally wrong, and yet, it’s everywhere.
Some episodes of that kind are burned into my memory. Like when I was about seventeen, and a friend of mine and I were looking at pictures from three years ago, and she commented on how thin my arms looked in one picture (we both knew they didn’t look like that anymore). Or when I was grocery shopping with a male friend, and he said something horribly rude about an overweight man who was waiting in line. When a colleague at work suddenly asked me if I’d been dieting, like it was a great thing. Also, that one time when I wanted to put on my super-sexy secretary dress, the one I saved for special occasions, only to realize the zipper was many centimeters away from being able to close.
I think I’ve come rather far in the way I think about bodies in general, and my own in particular. Partly, it’s because of blogs like Eat the Damn Cake and Dances With Fat. I also think it has something to do with simply getting older. Mostly, though, it’s because I’ve worked bloody hard to get there. Changing the way you think means that you first have to understand your automatic thought processes, and then, every time they almost happen, you have to realize that and change it. Bloody hard work indeed.
The thing is, I wish more people would work on the way they think about bodies, and size, and everything connected to that. When my student said I looked slim (the Norwegian word was “slank”), I’m sure she truly meant it as a compliment. But really, the only way this can be a compliment, is if being fat is something bad. Which it isn’t. And mostly, the whole notion about commenting on other people’s bodies bothers me to the extreme. Not to mention that there are all sorts of reasons why people’s bodies change.
That girl couldn’t know that the reason I might (I’m not sure it’s true, as I don’t own a weighing scale) have lost a bit of weight is because my anxiety has been so bad lately I’ve hardly been able to eat normally. One of probably a multitude of reasons for me being this size in the first place, is because of that whole chronic fatigue syndrome. While physical activity usually gives people more energy, it’s completely different for me. A trip to the grocery store can make me so exhausted I’ll have to spend the rest of the day on the couch. Anything resembling an actual workout means at least a few days, usually more, practically in bed before I can do anything remotely taxing again.
Of course, people cannot know that just by looking at me. But that’s just it – people can’t know that just by looking at me, although they act as if they totally can. Fat people have to be lazy, or stupid, because why else would they be fat? And people who lose weight have changed their life for the better, becoming more disciplined, smarter and pretty much a better person all over. Right? No!
The point of this (rather long and rambling) post is that I wish we could all become more aware of how we think about bodies. Even more importantly, what we say about them. We’re not even half as all-knowing as we think we are, and truly, i t ‘ s n o n e o f o u r b u s i n e s s e i t h e r w a y.
Hear, hear!
So true! People (especially women) make such a big deal of their weight by judging themselves and others it only shows how fundamentally influenced we are by the beauty ideal or hollywood and the mass media in general. So tiring.
Also I just recently (am I that slow really?) realized how I/we have basically no right at all to judge other people by their looks and by what they are wearing. Like..’ OMG what was she thinking when she put that on? Doesn’t she have a mirror? Or friends to tell her it looks horrible?’ Bla bla. Just because it’s not my/your/our style and to our liking it doesn’t means that it’s bad. Everybody put some kind of effort into getting dressed in the morning. If I don’t like it it’s totally ok. I don’t have to talk about it though (except if I’m asked by that particular person, I guess).
In general we should compliment each other more – and not only for looking fine but for doing well.
It’s EXTREMELY tiring. And, once you give it a good thinking over, completely wrong and illogical and insensitive. I’m very used to being judged by my appearance – people have been commenting on my weight or my face or my manner of dress pretty much as long as I can remember. That, in combination with reading good blogs/articles, and being sick in a way that doesn’t show, has probably made me think about the whole thing rather often.
The problem is that “the world” (a.k.a. the majority of people) seem to encourage the complete opposite, as in: don’t think about how you talk about other people’s appearance, don’t think about what’s the right thing to do, don’t think about what’s actually true and what’s just what “everybody knows”/not always true. Instead, it seems “they” want us to spend as much time as possible judging celebrities in bikinies. It’s ridiculous.
Cheers for more compliments all around!
I couldn’t agree more! Here in Denmark (or maybe I should say Copenhagen) people are more and more focused on being ‘healthy’ rather than ‘skinny’. I think they feel it’s more politically correct. It’s not really helping much since just like people are judged as being bad/lazy/wrong if they’re considered overweight, the same is now the case with the ‘unhealthy’. Like it’s anyone’s business. Really, some people even make it sound like if you’re ‘unhealthy’ you’re being a drag on society and taking advantage of the state (free health care etc.)! None of anyone’s god damn business either, pardon my French.
I suppose, in one way it’s much, much better to focus on health rather than weight/BMI/appearance/whatever-they-call-it-these-days. But I also think you’re completely right when you point out that no matter which choices we make, even the ones regarding health, it really isn’t anyone else’s business either way. Your French was exellently put, I think, darling.
<3 Dette var godt å lese for en med ME og lavt stoffskifte.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you for the nice post! I wish more people thought like that.
I think this is not only true for the body shape but also for everything society tell us to be or do. You’d be judged if you are not trying to lose weight, if you don’t dress the way people around you do, if you don’t spend your off time like they do… For example I don’t watch TV and people would judge me because I don’t know anything about the latest trendy programme.
I think people judge others because it reassures them that they are normal, they are doing it right. In my opinion, people who judge others are doing so because of their own insecurity and it’s their problem, not yours.
Hear, hear. Hopefully we can start our own, personal tiny revolutions, and thus make other people think about this as well. Lead by example, right?
Tusen takk for enda et flott og viktig innlegg.
Tusen takk for en fin (og for meg, viktig) kommentar. Dere aner ikke hvor mye det har å si at jeg skjønner dere setter pris på det jeg skriver
This is perfect Maria, and you’re so so eloquent – I envy you. The part about never being thin enough is very true. Speaking from the lower end of healthy on the BMI scale, there’s still always that little something that could be improved, and if only that little thing would be improved then everything would be perfect, except it won’t because then suddenly there’s a new thing. I had some very bad eating issues (not going to call it a disorder because it was never diagnosed) in my teenage years, and the thing that really stuck in my head was how good everyone told me I looked. I stayed inside alone all day, skipped meals, my stomach was always growling and I couldn’t concentrate on anything, but people would constantly come up to me, beaming, telling me how good I looked – often with a tone of “wow, you got rid of that unsightly baby fat! Well done!”. Such a perfect way to tell someone that they used to look bad and to continue doing whatever it is they are doing.
On the flip side I started working out and eating healthier in my early twenties and I was so proud of myself. Getting to the gym several days a week and finally getting my chocolate consumption under control was such a big deal to me, not because chocolate is bad but because I used to eat huge amounts every day while sitting on my ass playing video games. The natural effect of this was of course to lose a little bit of weight – not a lot, just a couple of pounds, but it looks like more when you lose fat and replace it with muscle. All of a sudden female friends would tell me I looked sickly and unhealthy and that I was “overdoing it”. The body police was out in full force.
I wish people would just stop commenting on weight in terms of “good” and “bad”, good foods and bad foods, healthy and unhealthy, bikini bodies and cellulite and man arms and fat. I’m currently trying to do what you have been doing, primarily catching myself whenever I actually mention weight and body shape to people around me, and it turns out I do it so much it embarrasses me. I had no idea.
Yeah, I have no idea where this comment is going, but I hope that a lot of girls read this post, and the comments, and leave a comment of their own. Body issues is such a can of worms. And you’re awesome.
Baby-fat/you-look-ill/well-done comments… it all makes me want to stuff socks in their mouths. I mean, honestly! What gives anyone the right to say such things? I think that the language we use is a huge part of the problem. “Good” or “bad” foods/behaviour/shapes – most people use these phrases withouth even thinking about what they’re saying, but I think the message still sinks in more thank we want to know. Which is probably why I obsess a bit over how I phrase things, and how I refuse to feel guilty about eating chocolate, or how I always tell my students that our job is to enhance what’s great (as opposed to focusing on hiding the “negative” – man, I hate that expression).
Herregud, så einig eg er i dette! Eg snakka faktisk med kjærasten min om det i går, og eg har eit veldig godt døme på korleis folk trur at slank = pen, tjukk/kraftig = stygg. Eg har alltid vore kraftig, og det tok meg forsåvidt også lang tid å akseptere det, og å skjønne at verdien min som menneske ikkje blir (eller burde i alle fall ikkje) målt utifrå vekta/utsjåandet mitt. Lenge hata eg kroppen min, men det gjer eg ikkje no lengre.
Uansett, tilbake til det dømet. Eg har ei venninne som er tynnare enn meg. Og ho seier alltid til meg at eg ikkje er tjukk, eg er tynn. Då blir eg litt sånn “nei, eg er jo tjukk. Kanskje ikkje veldig tjukk, men tjukk likevel. Det er eit faktum, sånn er det berre. Det å seie at eg er tynn, blir like dumt som å seie at eg er ein mann” (eg er altså dame, he he). Men denne venninna mi vil ikkje godta det. Neida, eg er så tynn. Eg må veie 300 kg før ho kan godta at eg er tjukk. Men sjølv klagar ho alltid på vekta si, og snakkar om dei fæle, store låra hennar og at nei, no må ho gå ned ein tre kilo, for ho må ned på draumevekta si…
Det ho eigentleg inderekte seier til meg er at det ikkje er OK å sjå ut som meg, difor lyg ho til meg og kallar meg tynn, og samstundes visar oppførselen hennes at ho synes eg er tjukk, fordi om ho, som er sikkert 15 kg lettare enn meg, må jo det bety at eg er tjukk også?
Eg synst det blir så teit. Ein må då kunne innrømme at ein person er feit, utan at det nødvendigvis er noko negativt. Kan ein ikkje vere vakker sjølv om ein har litt ekstra spekk på kroppen? Typen min bryr seg i alle fall ikkje det minste om at eg er godt polstra, for han likar meg for den eg er, ikkje for vekta mi.
Og eg synes at du er fin, heilt ærleg. Punktum finale.
Først: så fint at du og kroppen din har blitt venner! Og at du har et mannfolk som setter pris på deg. Sånt liker vi.
Når det gjelder venninna di, så skjønner jeg veldig godt hvordan det føles. Har vært i samme situasjon maaange ganger. Men min nåværende teori er at når det gjelder veldig, veldig mange folk, så nytter det rett og slett ikke å blande logikk inn i samtalen, for de greier rett og slett ikke se seg selv utenfra. Andy i The Devil Wears Prada (boka, ikke filmen), beskriver dette veldig godt, hvordan hun prøver å resonnere med andre jenter/kvinner om akkurat dette, men det når rett og slett ikke inn. Jeg tror ganske mange er sånn. Klart, det finnes sikkert noen kjipe mennesker der ute som bruker dette bevisst for å være ekle (hallo, noen av dere som gikk i klassen min på barne- og ungdomsskolen!), men jeg tror de fleste rett og slett har noen feilkoblinger.
La meg presisere: ikke “feilkoblinger” som i at de er gale/dumme, men “feilkoblinger” som i at de automatisk (og kanskje ofte ubevisst) forbinder å være tynn med å være lykkelig/vellykket. Når de kaller venninna si for tynn (uansett hvilken størrelse hun er), tror jeg det de ofte _egentlig_ mener er at hun er fin, at de liker henne, og at livet hennes er bra. Mens de selv må ned på “drømmevekta” (for et trist, trist ord, sånn egentlig) for at livet deres skal oppleves bra, for at de skal bli fullendte, for at de skal føle seg fine.
Det er lett å automatisk tenke at sånne venninner jo må innse at det de sier strider mot all logikk – og ja, det er på en måte teit. Men aller mest synes jeg bare det er veldig trist, og unødvendig. Tenk så ufattelig mange fine mennesker der ute som går rundt og tenker stygge ting om seg selv? It’s heartbreaking!
Og takk <3
Amen!
Jeg har gått noe ned i vekt i det siste, og er i tvil om det er en bra ting. Tar det hele med ro, då.
Å ta det med ro om sånne ting er nok bare lurt. Ting går jo opp og ned uansett, tenker jeg
Word! Om alle kunne tenkt som deg!
Haha, da hadde jo verden vært både deprimert og angst-aktig og hele pakka, så det er nok like greit det ikke er sånn. Men jeg skjønner hva du mener, og takk
I could not agree with you more. It seems like most people think they are allowed to comment on other peoples bodies if they say something along the lines of “Oooh, you look so skinny now”. And skinny is supposedly the same as pretty.
I have lost some weight recently myself, not because I really tried to, but because of something else. (As you write yourself, weight is often quite complicated..). Almost everybody I meet keep telling me how skinny I am, and how great that makes me look. I do not see that as a compliment at all. My body is my body, and I have no idea why all this people feel the need to comment on it. And its not only young people, it is actually mostly middel-aged people.
And as Maja said: “Such a perfect way to tell someone that they used to look bad and to continue doing whatever it is they are doing.”
I think this is such an important topic – skinny does not equal beatifull. And keep your opinions about other peoples bodies to yourself!
I love your blog, Maria, and have been reading it for quite some time. Thank you for writing! (And I hate hearing about your illness, but I love that you write about it!)
I think the only way to change how people treat this subject, is to form one’s own opinion, and then stick to it. I, for instance, do my very best to never comment on anyone else’s body size, not even at work. It can be a challenge, especially since much of my job as a fashion consultant has a lot to do with dressing people, but I really try. There’s this class I teach called “Colour and style”, where I make sure my students automatically don’t assume that what one might think of as a “larger person” is desperate to look thinner. Or that a woman with a rather straight body desires to look more curvy. Or that a man with thin calves will do anything to hide the fact. In general, I suppose I don’t want them to assume anything, and ESPECIALLY when it comes to bodies.
And thank you for your lovely words, you’ve stuck with me for quite some time now! I truly appreciate it <3
Love this! I spent too many years worrying about how I looked and especially what people thought of my weight. I’ve always been curvier, so like you I don’t feel like there’s a body shape I’m trying to attain. It took me years to realize this and to be confident with my shape. Your blog has in part helped me with this. You’ve been such a style inspiration to me! Thank you for this post.
Such lovely words, thank you, Shelby!
dear everyone reading this blogs :
“I hear you, sister”. Same story for me, the moment I realized what was going on OUTSIDE myself was actually far more interesting and fun than whatever happened INSIDE I just stopped caring. People still make nasty remarks : not about my weight -for me it’s my nose. And somehow I genuinely stopped thinking flawlessness was a good thing, just like that, on one fine day.
Because when you look at people you love or even simply like, and try to figure out why you like them, you’re far likelier to think “his smile makes me melt”, “she always makes me laugh”, “he’s such a comforting presence” or even “i love the bags under her eyes” (I am not kidding there. I just realized most people i ever found deeply attractive had bags under their eyes. Yup.). NO ONE cares about your pores -possibly because they’re too busy worrying about their own imaginary pores. And worrying too much about your appearance shows : you will order a salad at the restaurant and make sure you don’t look gluttonous in front of your date. You will check 10,000 times a day your hair status. You will (discreetly, thinking no one will notice) spy your own reflection in various windows. And yet people will only be truly, deeply drawn to you by things completely outside your control. So you might as well let go and have fun.
ps: this actually works as a seduction method. Just be natural, “be yourself” as they say, smile randomly, laugh out loud, enjoy your food, and go out without makeup. Since I started doing this, I can honestly day I’ve never been so popular and successful (with friends and guys).
ps2: of course people will criticize. But people will even criticize Mother Theresa or Kate Moss. So you might as well give up right ?
Hear, hear, darling, that’s all I have to say. Oh, and thank you for your wonderful comment, I couldn’t agree more
Sorry I’m talking so much but I just wanted to add one last thing
Maria your attitude is wonderful. And it’s even more wonderful for you to share all these positive thoughts. But at the end of the day it’s pretty useless trying to convince people not to judge. THEY WILL, sadly : it’s human. So it’s probably better not wait until the world outside is perfect to stop having those negative feelings… not an easy task, and thank you for contributing to making it easier
Talking/writing long comments is never a bad thing in here, my dear! I love reading all your opinions
I know I can’t convince MANY people not to judge, but I probably can convince SOME. Which is good enough reason for me to keep trying!
You are so spot on with this post. I’ve never seen this concept written so clear or concise. You seem to be so remarkably self-aware, it’s amazing. You are amazing.
Seriously, just look at these other comments. You are succeeding where so many others fail, at showing beauty beyond what society has deemed the ideal.
You are an inspiration. Not just for fashion or style, I mean that you are an inspiring person; you make people like me want to be better.
*laughs* Well, a few years of therapy will do that to a gal. Well, not really; I’ve always been thinking a lot about pretty much everything :p It’s wonderful to hear that my point got through, and that I can inspire people to re-think their thoughts!
Also, I’m copying your comment into my notebook so I can read it when it feels like blogging is a bit useless/a waste of time. Seriously, those were some major compliments, and they make my stomach feel all happy and fuzzy. Thank you so, so much, Trajena.
Fantastic post! I’m flattered to get a shout out in it.
Well, the inspiration was great, so thank YOU!
Recently a friend of mine that has lost a lot of weight told me how everybody complimented her about it, but the thing she was getting from that was that everybody thought that before she was fat and ugly…She has lost all that weight because off a very difficult situation on her life, so before she was actually happier…and probably she will go back when everything gets settled down.
That’s true people assume that we all want and need to be thinner and been different is always more difficult than following the crowds…But is also true that people can be wrong and we all don’t want to be thinner, we just want to feel good in our bodies no matter the size.
Yeah, “compliments” like that have a tendency to backfire, don’t they? The sad thing is that many people who use such “compliments” are really just trying to make the recipient happy. I wish we could all just say “darling, you look fabulous today!” – and if the reason is that the person looks thinner, and we like that, well… we can just keep _that_ part of the compliment to ourselves.
This resonates way too much with me thanks to my experience with my mom when I was back in Norway over the summer. I haven’t lost much weight since I moved here, maybe 5kg, but I’ve gained muscle and toned up more, so my body has definitely changed. And while my mom is supportive of my training and being healthy, when we were talking about it she commented: “Nå må du roe ned treninga, du ser jo helt skrapa ut i ansiktet.” Needless to say, I got pretty pissed off, told her exactly why I thought that was a horrible thing to say, and refused to discuss the topic again. Still I wonder why on earth someone would think that was a smart thing to say? “Tynn” and “slank” are at least supposed to be positive terms, even if they might have negative meanings for people, but “skrapa”?! It definitely made me think about the way I talk to people about weight, training and other sensitive subject, and I can only hope that I never say anything so offensive to one of my friends, or god forbid my own daughter when that day comes..
I’m sure your mother is a wonderful woman who wants nothing but the best for you – but what a hurtful thing to say! It’s sad that it often takes such an incident to _make_ us start thinking more consciously about these topics. The good thing is that it makes us more aware of our way of looking at the world, and how we phrase things, which again can inspire others we know to do the same.
(yeah, I’m desperately positive about it
)
Det er mulig det er slik jeg har vokst opp, at venner og slekt har kommentert på hva andre mennesker foretar seg og hvordan de ser ut, men jeg kan faktisk bli full av negative tanker om mennesker som jeg ikke vet noen ting om! Og det bare basert på utseende: For tynne, for tykke, for jålete og pyntet, for slaskete og underlig kledd. Kanskje det er naturlig konsekvens av at man selv antar og opplever at de rundt en er veldig dømmende, men det er ingen god unnskyldning. Man bidrar til å holde hjulene i gang med slik tankegang – spesielt hvis man kommer til å dele den. Hvorfor bli så provosert av hva andre foretar seg, egentlig? Selv om jeg kan føle meg usikker, er det en dårlig løsning å rakke ned på andre for å føle seg bedre.
Selv om jeg følte meg svak og sykelig etter at jeg hadde omgangssyken for noen uker siden, kjente jeg at jeg ble litt glad da jeg oppdaget at jeg hadde mistet noen kilo. Det er så innskrevet at vekttap er en positiv ting, at det var min første reaksjon, før jeg innså at det faktisk ikke var bra i det hele tatt.
Jeg skulle ønske det sluttet å handle om vekt og speil, men mer om hvordan man faktisk føler seg. Mat som er sunn og godt for kroppen vil få en til å føle seg bra, trening kan gi mestringsfølelse og overskudd. Det handler om deg, hva du liker og er komfortabel med. Så kan det være det samme hva andre måtte tro.
Det er fort gjort, er det ikke? Nettopp fordi det er så vanlig, og “alle” gjør det – det blir en slags automatisk refleks, i alle fall helt til man oppdager det og bestemmer seg for å endre det. Jeg tror det er nettopp dét som er mye av poenget: man må starte med seg selv, og være villig til å bruke tid og energi på å endre vaner og tankemønstre (nå hadde psykologen min vært stolt av frasebruken min her, ja).
Det fine er at når man først har nådd et slikt mål, så blir hele verden plutselig litt annerledes. Greit nok at det kan være ufattelig kjipt å føle (eller ikke minst få høre) at noen mener noe negativt om utseendet ditt, men hvis man først har greid å virkelig overbevise seg selv om at andres mening faktisk ikke er viktigere enn ens egen… da tar det _mye_ kortere tid å riste det av seg. Ting som vekt og speil blir ikke det viktigste lengre, noe som gjør at man kan fokusere på andre ting, som å _føle_ seg bra, ikke bare se bra ut.
We can do it! *irriterende peppy cheerleader*
The whole “You look slim” comment annoys and irritates me to the point that if it crops up as praise on my Facebook photos, I just delete it. I try to understand that not everyone gets the forward thinking that not everyone is thankful for the “you look slim” comments. That said, I have been open about the fact that I have been trying to lose weight for the past year, so I figure people are trying to be encouraging, but I’m losing weight for my own reasons, which incidentally, have to do with chronic fatigue syndrome, which I have had for the last 6 years. It really surprised me that you wrote you have CFS, since I got the impression you are a full time student and you manage to write such involved posts! I don’t mean to be nosy, but it would be great if you chose to share more of your story-how you first got CFS, how long you have had it, and how you deal with your symptoms. I’ll take all the advice I can get!
Oh, you, too? I’m so sorry, Melissa, I wouldn’t wish CFS on anyone! I’m actually not a student, but a teacher (amongst other things) – in fact, I’m writing a blog post about my jobs right now, which will include a section on my CFS/other reasons I can’t work full time, so that might be interesting for you. Still, I try to keep my blog focused on style/beauty as much as possible, simply because I spend so much time being sick that it’s great to have a place where I can distract myself
I’ll keep my fingers crossed your health improves, darling!
Denne teksten gjorde meg utrolig glad! Har fått mange like “komplimenter” selv, som er ment godt, men som føles bare rart. Vi kan å kle oss og vi ser bra ut! Hipp hipp!
Hurra!
Everyone needs to read this!